I Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

I often marvel that little or no schooling is provided for some of the most critical life skills – parenting, finances, friendships, marriage and the big exit – death and its aftermath for the living. It is called mourning. As long as I have lived no one has ever said to me: “Listen, one day you are going to mourn the loss of someone and this is how you do it.” Why is that?

I have been to many funerals, but the impact didn’t quite begin to hit home until the last few years when they began to include my peers, friends, and family members – a brother, my father and mother, and my husband. Until then I did not understand the total brokenness that ensues even if the one passing was a believer in Jesus Christ. And yes, you understand in your head that the word of God promises that if you are believers you will see each other again in eternity. (See I Thessalonians 4:14). It is this fact alone which allows us to eventually come to grips with loss.

But what are you to do with the pain that is engulfing you in the moment? This is the time to throw yourself in the arms of your Heavenly Father. You will not be able to pray long prayers but you can cry out “Father help me, I need you now.” He will come to you in the person of the Holy Spirit and say “Do not be afraid my child, I will take care of you.” Pull your family members close. And be sure you have a friend or two who will pray for you and listen to you. And do continue to make room for the Word of God to filter into your mind and spirit even if you can’t read or “study” it at the moment. Gospel music can be very helpful in this regard.

As the darkness lifts and the weeks roll into months and even years, there will continue to be a tug at your heart. I didn’t know that would be the case! So how do you deal with the dilemma to let go and remember at the same time? Remember your loved one to friends and family by recalling the person’s strengths and characteristics which made you laugh and experiences which brought you joy. Write the good stuff down if it helps you. Toss the negative stuff out because there is no longer any remedy for that. Do something tangible in their honor – a poem, a quilt, a painting, a gift to charity, plant a tree, start a garden, volunteer or start mentoring someone.

The time does come when you must let go of this person and get on with life as it presents itself. There is no room in the life of a believer for rolling yourself up in a big ball of pain indefinitely or quitting on life. That would mean you have not availed yourself of the comfort which the Holy Spirit brings. Return to living, slowly if that is the pace that works for you, but return you must. Convince yourself, based on the Word of God that the relationship is over – especially if it was your spouse – the commitment was only “till death do you part.” (Romans 7: 1-3 refers).  Begin to embrace your own life each day, mindful that God still has a full and purposeful life for you. So sit down and talk to God, make your case that you need guidance on how to move forward. Commit to listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit within you and do the next thing, however small, to get started on your journey.  Make a long to do list. Get moving. Live!